Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
