I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
