ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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