Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
