Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
