Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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