I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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