She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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