so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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