So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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