So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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