She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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