Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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