Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
