Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he was CRYING into my vagina
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize