why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
