I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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