you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He has the fingertips of a God
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
