i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
