i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
