Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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