This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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