you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
