Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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