she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize