literally had 100 drinks last night.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
