I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
