Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
