can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
