My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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