just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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