He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
