The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize