the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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