maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
