Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
