i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
