Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
