Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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