you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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