I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
