mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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