I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
