this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
