I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
