I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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