toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
