Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
And then he peed in my hair
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
