I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
