Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sext me about skeletons
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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