i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
