In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
