you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
