She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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