I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
