You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
