I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
