I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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