I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
