its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
