shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
