he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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