Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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