3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
