I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
