My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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