I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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