I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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