When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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